I’m eating hot cross buns - the prize brought back from today’s frigid walk. That’s what I was hoping to find at the boulangerie today, but as I walked I was guessing that the French term for hot cross buns might not be as close a word-for-word translation as “mercredi des cendres” is of Ash Wednesday. I hoped I wouldn't have to explain... The first bakery I went to didn’t have any in the window, but the second one did, and they were the special of this week, as a sign noted: Brioches du Carême. “We have them just until this Friday,” the clerk said as I paid her. These were just barely sweet, with some whole wheat flour in the dough, fat raisins, and a light sugary "cross" rather than sticky frosting. Heated up in the oven when I got back, and eaten with butter and a cup of hot tea, they were worth the walk.
I didn’t know “Carême,” but apparently it means Lent. The dictionary tells me that the French word is a contraction of the Latin quadragesima, which means fortieth: the fortieth day before the day of Easter. Remembering that the circumflex indicates a left-out letter – in this case an “s”, I think – I guess that makes sense.
This evening I'll go listen to a sung service for the start of Lent, and get an ashen cross put on my forehead: a sign not of consuming, but of being consumed. I really don't know why I do this; a large part of me finds it embarrassing, old-fashioned, and over-the-top Anglo-Catholic. The first time I did it I could barely walk out onto the street afterwards. But another part likes the ritual and the discomfiture it brings. I do like Lent and try to observe it each year in a quiet, personal way, setting it as a time for reflection on some aspect of myself that needs to be examined. It feels right to mark the start of that time. At the cathedral, our small discussion group will be tackling a bigger topic: "What does it mean to be human?" I'm looking forward to that too.
You can think of wearing the ash as (among other things, of course) giving permission to people to have a spiritual life.
I'm always grateful to the people who walk about with the ash cross, or with the Hindu "third eye" dots on whatever that holy day is.
Posted by: dale | March 01, 2006 at 05:45 PM
Thanks for saying that, Dale. I think the embarrassment used to come from knowing people looked and made all sorts of assumptions about me - same as if I were to wear a cross around my neck. As I get older, and care less what people think, it's easier to just do things. I think my friend Shirin, who wore hijab for so many years, helped me too: I saw how difficult it was for her, especially when people jumped to all sorts of conclusions about something very complex, and yet she had her own inner conviction and knew what it meant to her. Her courage gave me permission to live my own spiritual life a little more openly - like you say here. However, one thing that does bother me about overt religious symbols is the way they tend to proclaim exclusivity - which is not a part of my spiritual life.
Posted by: beth | March 01, 2006 at 06:39 PM
I went to Ash Wednesday mass long after I stopped believing. I liked the mixed blessing, and wearing spirituality, without the religion. My Jack Mormon spouse also likes the ceremony and message of it. He also says it is the day when Jews all over the world get to say,
"You missed a spot!"
Now I want him to pick up some hot-crossed buns tomorrow. Though they will be hardly 'one a penny, two a penny.'
Posted by: zhoen | March 01, 2006 at 06:51 PM
I like the fact that we don't have to wish people "Happy Lent!" Hallmark doesn't make Lent cards. It's an anti-holiday.
Posted by: Dave | March 02, 2006 at 08:07 AM
Beth:
Time to tell you that I find your blog a delight: intelligent, thoughtful, and passionate for life - life in all its raggedy and tattered glory. I particularly enjoy your accounts of pottering, sauntering, meandering - around the city, the library, and the park. You've inspired me to try and build some "small trips" into my sedentary dissertation days.
Anna.
Posted by: Anna | March 02, 2006 at 08:34 AM
Zhoen, thanks for those thoughts. There's something powerful about this ritual, I think because - whatever our beliefs - we can't deny our mortality and it's mainly about that.
Dave - Yeah! And it's unlikely to change. I can't imagine how Madison Avenue would commercialize Lent. (Although the chocolate bunnies are already out.)
Anna - thanks so much for your comment and your kind words! Best of luck with your dissertation - I am very sympathetic now to the demands of big writing projects and the way they kind of take over your entire life.
Posted by: beth | March 02, 2006 at 09:01 AM
But Beth, with you the huge project didn't - or didn't seem to... but then again, I realise that your blog is only a snapshot of your actual daily life. However, you DO inspire me to achieve a balance - your example of working and then breaking to enjoy... I really crave that.
Anna.
PS. Just thought maybe Bloggers are like icebergs - a large part of the actuality is out of sight!
Posted by: Anna | March 02, 2006 at 10:41 AM
Ohmigod. Ask my husband how it has felt to him! I've tried to retain some sense of balance but especially in the last six months it has been almost impossible. This has been like having two jobs, since we also have a business and professional clients. It's been -- difficult. I'm looking forward to regaining more balance and, hopefully, feeling rested again, but I know I am going to really miss the writing (and research) because it is what makes me feel the most like I am running on all my particular cylinders!
Posted by: beth | March 02, 2006 at 11:11 AM
Well, you've done a marvellous job.
Anna.
Posted by: Anna | March 02, 2006 at 01:27 PM
By the way, Beth, how far is your trip between Vermont and Montreal?
Anna.
Posted by: Anna | March 02, 2006 at 02:38 PM
I used to love all the Catholic rituals, including getting an ash cross on my forehead for Ash Wednesday. I lost touch with all of it over the years. When I was in Mexico last year during Holy Week with all the processions and all the churches we visited it felt like I must have been a different person when I felt a part of that. Weird.
As for Lent, last year Russell Stovers got in trouble for making chocolate crosses. Lent, that time to deny oneself goodies and various self-indulgent things in favor of the spirit, doesn't fit well with capitalism.
Posted by: leslee | March 03, 2006 at 06:28 PM
I really like the image of the ashes as signifying not consuming, but being consumed. Thank you for that.
For me, the ashes are a way of externalizing my faith--of bringing forth what tends to be inside.
Beautiful entry.
Posted by: Monica | March 04, 2006 at 10:39 AM